How Harry Failed To Conquer New York
by FesteringInsanity
Summary: What it says on the tin.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: this is something very old that I'm just getting around to posting here**

Harry woke up with a hangover. In a concrete, obviously Muggle cell, with a steel door. _What the?..._ Examining himself, he noted that he was:

a) tied to a chair,

b) wearing a pink and orange robe, as well as a crown, and

c) he still had his wand in his enchanted holster.

The door opened. A rather pretty red-headed woman, a dark-skinned man with an eye-patch, and someone that Harry recognised from his reading as Captain America, entered. Pirate was glaring, while the good Captain appeared rather puzzled.

Suddenly everything came back to him. He winced.

 _10 hours previously_

"C'moooon. I dare everyone to drink a bottle of firewhiskey! It's our fifteenth reunion! Let's make it special!" hollered Seamus, staggering around, brandishing bottles of the highly alcoholic drink. Inebriated as he was, he made a rather amusing sight.

 _now_

"Now, Mr Voldemort-Awesome-Sparkly-Dark-Overlord, can you please state your, and your followers, the Sparkly Eaters of Poo, reasons for attempting to take over New York yesterday evening?" asked the Eyepatch. Harry decided that he would call him that, instead of Pirate. Pirate was too generic.

"You see, we had a school reunion party. With, you know, alcohol." Harry wondered how to explain everything else without breaching the Statue of Secrecy. Or without having to perform Obliviations and camera wipes.

 _6 hours previously_

Ron stood up on the table, a half-empty bottle in his right hand, his wand in his left. "I nominate everyone to re- _hiccup_ -enact Lord Voldysomething! And his Death Eaters! In New York!"

"In pink!" Hysterically shouted Lavender. She was red in the face, and her eyes were half unfocused.

"In sparkles!" Added Pansy, draped over her boyfriend, Theodore Nott, who still looked rather sober, despite the empty bottles of Brandy around him.

"Hear, hear! But Potter's Voldemort, obviously!"

 _now_

"A drunk reunion." Eyepatch glowered ineffectively at Harry, who was too hungover to notice that fine detail.

"Someone suggested that we… re-enact something that happened at our school. With more pink. And sparkles."

 _5 hours previously_

"Praise his highness, the Dark Overlord of Sparkles!" slurred a neon-pink robed Seamus, staggering across a street in New York, along with the rest of his yearmates, all similarly clad, shooting sparkles, ribbons, lace and all manners of silly things everywhere, and tying up the police with the stuff. The occasional belches of fire, from firewhiskey overconsumption, were put out with liquid glitter. Hermione and Ron were tasked with the important task of keeping Harry, who had drunk two bottles of firewhiskey, upright, and shouting,

"I am Loooooord Voldemoooooort, Aawesooome Spaaaarkly Daaaaaark Ooooverlord! Bow to me, you Muggle peasants! Bow to my most sparkly glory, the evil pinkness of my robes! Boooooow to meeeeee!" He took another swig of firewhiskey, followed by his conscious yearmates a full half of whom were already passed out on the street. And then they all promptly passed out too.

 _Back in the cell_

"I can promise that we won't do it again. We'll spike all the alcohol in the surrounding two miles of our reunion location with knock-outs. Honest."

Eyepatch frowned, but before he could do anything, Hermione apparated into the cell and apparated out with Harry, who was still tied to the chair, before anyone could even see her.

In Grimmauld Place, Harry beheld the rest of his yearmates, just barely stirring, and decided never to attend a reunion again.

In Stark Tower, the Avengers decided to simply forget the Sparkly Overlord. He hadn't actually harmed anyone, after all.


	2. Postscript

" I am really sorry! I promise that we will take away all the lammas. And Penguins. And Puffins. I swear, we won't get this drunk again."

"See to it that you won't, Lord Voldemort."

* * *

"This is the third you and your merry band of henchmen have done public vandalism. Will you please properly re-clothe the Statue of Liberty, and revert her to her natural colour and facial features. And remove the words 'Screw Umbridge'."

"Sorry. I swear, this is the last time."

* * *

"We really have got to stop meeting like this. Okay, I can't promise to not get drunk next time."

* * *

"How on Earth did you and the Sparkly Eaters of Poo manage to destroy a whole, vengeful, alien army, and beat Loki who tried to invade again, while being completely pissed?"

"No idea, Stark. I remember nothing and deny everything."


End file.
